Isolation

In June and July of 2023, I reached out to people I know in ministry and asked if they had 10-20 minutes to discuss the biggest challenges of being a pastor. Each of the more than fifty conversations gave perspectives on what it is like to be a pastor. This post is not a scientific survey that will go into a published journal, but it is a snapshot of what is happening right now. There will be a little context from me, but mostly you will hear the voices from unique contexts spread over 21 different states and many more locations. Not everyone spoke of isolation, but in the free-flowing discussions, it came up more than any other topic.

The Role

Being a pastor is a weird space. You are part of a community and yet not part of the community. There is an ambiguity about relationships.

The role of a pastor is not like any other profession, and part of this is due to the nature of the schedule.

Pastors are weird and standoffish. It's hard to hang out with people on the weekends or holidays. I'm at church! The schedule makes me ‘other.’

The schedule adds to that feeling of loneliness.

Most pastors are alone and have no one to empathize with them.

Here is an extreme view of the unique position of pastors:

Most pastors are curmudgeons.

One pastor noticed a shift after moving from the Midwest to California.

The ‘otherness’ of the pastor seems like more of a deal in the Midwest and not as much in the Pacific region.

However, loneliness did come up from other pastors on the west coast.

It is hard to have friends. We're friendly, but we don't have friends.

Now, there was plenty of joy and fulfillment that pastors could speak about, but when they spoke of the isolation of the job, there was a strong identification with the loneliness.

The ministry can be very lonely.

External Pressures

Some of my conversations with pastors pointed to external factors that pushed them into feeling alone.

Many pastors have no friends except for a few other pastors. People are close, but the pastor is ‘other.’

Within their congregation, people treat them differently than any other community member.

I don't feel isolated, but it's lonely when not everyone wants the pastor around for things.

An extreme view was a feeling of self-sacrifice that was not reciprocated or even appreciated.

When you pour out everything you have to help your church, and then they go the other way, that hurts!

Internal Forces

Yet even though outside forces often created that isolation, most comments seemed to point to the loneliness originating from inside of them.

I feel like I'm doing everything on my own, and no one else is doing what I'm doing.

Some feel like they cannot have strong relationships with those in the congregation.

It can be lonely. People are your flock and not your friends.

Those feelings can intensify when you see others connecting.

In the church, there are cliques, elites, and others. The relationships are an inch deep and a mile wide. I can feel alone in a big group.

However, they find themselves to be the source of that separation.

Isolation can be related to shame and ego. There were times that I thought I was listening to someone but wasn't. This intensifies the isolation.

It’s possible that the feeling of loneliness stems from what they were taught.

Isolation is real. The seminary teaches pastors to be ‘other.’

Or maybe it is more out of convenience.

It becomes more convenient to be less personal. We email instead of meeting our church members face to face.

There is a lack of personal connection and relationships with people. It's easy to get disconnected.

One pastor pointed out that maybe those that follow the call to be a pastor have an inherent struggle with personal connections.

Most of us as pastors or humans are not good at relationships. Friendships happen by accident or circumstance more than intentionally.

Safety was often a concern for pastors.

There is not a sense of safety within the church, someone to bounce things off of.

Boundaries are hard inside and outside the parish. I need a place to be safe and vulnerable.

That lack of safety may come from a fear of getting enmeshed.

So much of life is tied to church: community, work, employment, friends... It leads to enmeshment, and it's not always healthy.

The response to the internal feelings of loneliness could lead to isolation, but others noticed that feeling of loneliness and looked for what they needed.

I feel isolated, but I look for what I need and find ways to connect.

Other Pastors

Some pastors can lean on colleagues, while others find that difficult.

Pastors are lonely. There is an inability to have fellowship like we did in college and seminary.

Even more, some pastors feel that having strong connections with other pastors is unsafe.

There is a lack of collegiality among pastors.

There is a comparing game with other pastors.

For some, the comparisons that happen between pastors in local meetings led to a stronger sense of those lonely feelings at a pastoral conference.

Pastors are isolated and alone and can't even engage with other pastors.

At Work and at Home

For a pastor, there are feelings of isolation at work.

There's a lot of loneliness when I sit in the office alone. I spend more time in coffee shops and doing home visits to help with this.

But often, those feelings can extend to the home, as well.

Pastors are some of the loneliest people. Friendship needs to be reciprocated, or else things fall apart at home.

Several pastors talked about how their loneliness can also affect their wives.

Isolation can extend to the home. I will always tell my wife the truth, but I won't tell her everything.

Sometimes this is intentional.

I'm careful of how much of this I put on my wife.

Sometimes it is because of the congregation.

I feel isolation, but even more for my wife. The congregation holds a pastor's wife at a distance.

The Warning

One of the incredible things is that even though it was the most common challenge, some pastors held the idea that a pastor could be lonely as an unspeakable truth.

Most people won't share this challenge: isolation.

One pastor shared this warning about how dangerous this isolation can be.

When competency exceeds character, you will crash.

I beleive this warning was given because pastors will spend more time growing the congregation and less time on themselves.

It is difficult to find space to be vulnerable with our own struggles and temptations in our personal lives and in ministry.

It is a common struggle.

There is a natural instinct to survive, and this can cause a reaction of isolation. They need partners to help.

But there is hope. That hope is located in finding people who can walk with pastors.

Longevity is possible when you can find someone to talk to. Monthly counseling sessions and accountability make longevity possible.

There is already a shortage of pastors, so supporting those in ministry is critical.

We're dropping like flies. Pastors need people to support them.

Closing Thoughts

Maybe you can identify with some of these statements, or maybe you know someone who could. There is hope, and there is help! I am just one of many people and organizations who can come alongside those pastors who need a partner to walk with them for some time. Some may require a sabbatical or retreat to combat the feelings of isolation. Others are already actively engaged in counseling so that they can be seen and heard. For some, coaching could be a great answer since it can help people see past their current circumstances to be a bigger and better version of themselves for the benefit of God’s Kingdom. The feelings of isolation are natural and shared, and there are people who can help.

For more information about the changes possible through coaching, please Contact Us.