Responding to Conflict
Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg says that there are four responses that a person can have to negative information:
Blame yourself
Blame others
Sense your own feelings and needs
Sense the feelings and needs of others
For example, if I arrive home to my wife squinting at me with her hands on her hips, saying, “You forgot to get tortilla chips, didn’t you.” I have four options.
Blame myself
I am useless. I can’t even remember what my wife asked for 20 minutes ago.
Blame others
My wife listed this off in the middle of ten other things that she told me. How am I supposed to keep track of all of her things when I’m trying to handle all my own stuff?
Sense my own feelings and needs
I feel disappointed in myself. This is not the first time I have forgotten something like this, and I have not created a better system. I care about my wife and our relationship, and I need to work on a better system so this doesn’t happen again.
Sense the feelings and needs of others
My wife does not look happy. I’m sure I disappointed her by not remembering the tortilla chips, but I wonder if something else happened today. Maybe my next move should be returning to get chips, but maybe she needs something else, and I should check in with her. If this is about the chips, I can fix that. If this concerns something else, she might need me to listen first.
Which option would you pick? I would love to say that options 1 and 2 are rare, but I am human, and my own defensiveness will often get in the way of relationships. Maybe it’s helpful even to consider the possibility of options other than blame. Blame comes naturally, whether it is directed inward or outward, but blame does not build relationships.
A lot of negative information is coming out of Israel about the conflict in that region. Those four options apply to how a person can react to extreme situations like this.
Blame myself
I haven’t been paying attention to what is happening in that region, and now it’s out of control. Maybe I should have been better informed. Maybe I should advocate for better leaders. Maybe there are groups I should have supported so this would not have happened.”
Blame others
That area is always in conflict. There is no way that you can help people like that. All those in leadership are selfish and incompetent, and we can do nothing.
Even though blame is easy and common, it may not be the most productive response. What would you or other people need in response to the conflict in Israel? Safety? Autonomy? Connection? Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs describes different levels of needs, from physical existence to safety, connection, and purpose. Control is not a need, but security is. I am not a world leader required to interact directly with anyone in power, but I do interact with people around me who are concerned about the events and people involved in the conflict. Being aware of my own feelings and needs and at least being curious about the feelings and needs of others can be a step in the right direction.
If you would like to know more about how powerful and productive your response of sensing the feelings and needs of others rather than moving to blame could be, please Contact Us.
